cancer is the worst.

So usually when I sit down to write a post, I have a direction or theme for my update, and I don’t really have that, so bear with me if you’re reading the whole thing. A few weeks ago I posted an update about clear scans, but was unhappy about one of the labs coming back slightly elevated. That lab was the tumor marker lab, and we re-drew it 2 weeks ago, it came back even higher. We wanted to make sure it wasn’t a lab error, so re-drew it this past week, and it came back even higher. I had an MRI on Thursday this week, and found out on Friday that I have two 3cm spots that are new. One is adjacent to where the last tumor was, and one is on my adrenal gland.

We hate this a lot. That may be an understatement. When I was in high school I relapsed right after I was finished with treatment, and this feels like the same situation, except that it’s relapse number 3. Thankfully I work at Children’s, so am able to get labs drawn whenever, and am able to talk with the doctors on a regular basis. I keep thinking if I didn’t work there, we may have ended up waiting until scans in 3 months, and it would be May before we found out. So that remains to be a huge blessing. And that my doctors are sweet and let me get labs drawn again when I worry.

The plan going forward is not quite made yet. This coming week I will get a PET scan, a CT, and some kind of isotope scan I haven’t heard of before. My doctors said the whole solid tumor team has already met and put their heads together about this, which is great. I think they are talking to doctors from a few different places as well. My tumor is uncharted territory. I think it’s something like 0.5% of all ovarian cancers. So we’re asking for prayer for wisdom for the doctors on what to do about treatment.

One thing that has been really great is that the past 2 Saturdays I have shot weddings, so that has kept me really preoccupied. I went into both wedding having just got bad news (increased lab the first one, and the new spots this last one). I have loved keeping my mind off things. I know it doesn’t do any good to sit and think about things when they’re still up in there air. Pretty wedding pictures have been a very welcome distraction.

Our prayers are for continued peace. We’ve been angry and sad over here, but have had a lot of peace as well, which can absolutely only come from Christ. People comment on me having a positive attitude all the time, and that’s definitely not it. Philippians 4:7 says “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Peace that transcends understanding is the only way to describe peace in our situation. We are also asking for prayer for healing. Whether that be instant (we’d love that), or after treatment, we just want healing. Again, wisdom for the doctors. And that God would be lifted high. We’d love if people got a glimpse of who Jesus really is through this. Otherwise, what a waste.

One more thing before I go. When my lab came back increased, my friend Darci called to pray over me via phone, and one of the things she prayed was how this is a huge foothold for satan in our lives. I agree with that. That same day I was doing questions for my bible study and it was talking about how it’s satan that sits on the throne here on earth. We see that everywhere we look. On the news, social media, and in sucky things like cancer for a fourth time. But the only thing that matters is that God sits on the throne in heaven. He is the one that will get the last say one day. And that is great news to celebrate. I’d love for Him to get the last say in this situation like right now, but my timing is different from His. Maybe He will, and that would be great. But I don’t even begin to presume what is going on  under the surface of all of this, all I know is that He knows, and I truly believe he can take the worst of the worst and show up in that in big ways. He always does.

Also, lets clear one thing up while we’re at it. I think a popular belief is that God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle, and that is crap. I certainly can’t handle this. But He can. And God shows up in mighty ways when we’re at our weakest. I’ve seen it over and over again. He really has been so amazing and faithful in this mess. He’s big enough to carry our biggest burdens and strong enough to stand up to our hardest questions.

He is so good. I think you can only know that truly if you’ve been through what we have and seen him show up the ways we have. That doesn’t mean we can’t be angry and sad about this. We are. But He is certainly big enough to handle our angry and sad. And for that I’m thankful. Thanks for reading and praying. It means the world.

On a happier note, pretty wedding blogs are coming your way in the somewhat near future. Keep an eye out this week for Alex and Ashley’s wedding, it’ll give you all the heart eyes.

by Jenna

show hide 2 comments

ScottMarch 21, 2016 - 11:22 am

Sister, I love you and am thankful that we can look to a big God to take care of us. He’s really great.

AnnieMarch 23, 2016 - 3:32 am

Thanks for being so real. Your vulnerability with people and God is inspiring. I will definitely be thinking and praying for you. Love you, Dearest!

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