the middle

Hey guys. It’s been awhile! Thankfully the blog has gotten some use other than updates on how things are going on the cancer front. It has been so good to pick up the camera again. I’ve been thinking a lot about blogging for update purposes recently but haven’t quite pulled the trigger on it. Usually I end up reading something that makes me think, “yes! This describes this season!”. And that is what happened, so I am here to update you.

Chemo number 4 has come and gone, but not without a fight this time. I think the farther we get in, the harder it’s been to bounce back. Scott and I went to the clinic to get the shot that keeps my counts from dropping too much the day after chemo (it was the one-day outpatient chemo). I had been having some random weird symptoms that lead to tests we weren’t planning on staying for. It is also true that after chemo when I feel crummy that my attitude is not the best. So the day after chemo number 4 was all kinds of a mess. Did I mention that hot flashes are a thing now? Let me tell you, they’re kind of awful.

I keep telling Scott I’m done. I’m ready to just be through this and moving on to normal life. Part of me feels like I’m wasting a season of growth by rushing through, but I am not sure that is entirely true. I think sometimes it is ok to just be sad. Most of this past week I have had my energy back and feel like myself again. It’s easier to look at the situation from another perspective when I feel like myself. I’m thankful that the days where I feel crummy and bad are so few. I keep telling myself the more I lean into Jesus, the more He will show up in this process, and I don’t want to miss a day of that.

So here we are with 2 rounds of chemo between here and the end. I know that they’ll probably be the roughest yet, so I’m enjoying every day I feel great in the meantime. Radiation should be starting in the next week or 2  if we proceed with that. The weight of what saying yes to radiation means for our family is hitting hard.  We have done the simulation for radiation already where they do a CT and make a mold and draw marks on my skin. We only have one more doc to talk to before we start. Prayers appreciated that Scott and I are listening to the Lord for that decision and not what we think is best.

Here is what I read that made me decide to blog. Not everything is exactly how I would describe the situation, certainly not the “beautiful and bright” description of the beginning. But for the most part, I think it’s very true that the middle is the hardest, and that’s what we’re trudging through now. This is from Shauna Niequist’s Bittersweet:

 “There is nothing worse than the middle. At the beginning, you have a little arrogance, loads of buoyancy. The journey, whatever it is, looks beautiful and bright, and you are filled with resolve and silver strength, sure that whatever the future holds, you will face it with optimism and chutzpah. It’s like the first day of school, and you’re wearing the outfit you laid out last night, backpack full of perfectly sharpened yellow pencils.

And the end is beautiful. You are wiser, better, deeper. You know things you didn’t previously know, you’ve shed things you previously clung to. The end is revelation, resolution, a soft place to land.

But, oh, the middle. I hate the middle. The middle is the fog, the exhaustion, the loneliness, the daily battle against despair and the nagging fear that tomorrow will be just like today, only you’ll be wearier and less able to defend yourself against it. The middle is the lonely place, when you can’t find words to say how deeply empty you feel, when you try to connect but you feel like thick glass is separating you from the rest of the world, isolating and deadening everything.” -SN Bittersweet

One thing I will speak to in that last paragraph that has not been true for me is the loneliness part. I feel like God has blessed Scott and I with the best community we could ever ask for. We’ve had people here every step of the way, and we are so thankful for that. Thank you, if you have been one of those people for us. I’ve read a lot of things about people going through treatment and how they say their support disappears after awhile. Thanks for sticking around and loving us so well.

One last thing… at church this weekend they played an old hymn, and the chorus made me cry, it was so wonderful. It says “Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take; The clouds you so much dread are big with mercy and shall break in blessings, in blessings on your head” So great.

Thanks for those of you still following our journey. If you’re new around here, click on the categories tab and cancer. You can go back to the start if you’d like. Prayers for no bad side effects/reactions to the rest of the chemo and radiation if we go that route. Also, on top of all the crazy that this past chemo has brought, Scott has a kidney stone, so special prayers for him to pass it soon!

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *

*

*

There was an error submitting your comment. Please try again.

f a c e b o o k